Building a support system around you
Exploring the options available to reduce parental stress and maintaining work-life balance.
Many choose to be at-home moms mainly because they lack the much-needed support to raise their children.
I'm not against the stay-at-home setup. My sister was an at-home mom who rejoined the workforce after a 7-year break. She found contentment in raising her child and restarted working to use her spare time. I appreciate her commitment, and truly feel my nephew had a privilege of being cared by his mother. However, for me, "work" is an integral part of my life, without which I know I won't be okay. It gives me a kick to keep going.
But things change drastically after we become parents. Even though I was enthusiastic and passionate about returning to work after my maternity break, I found it very challenging to manage everyday chores.
To start with, we undergo hormonal and body changes, which certainly impact our routine. Then the child is dependent on us for food, sleep, and everything. Not being able to find time for oneself also causes anxiety and distress. Not to mention those countless sleepless nights, which make us feel unproductive throughout the day. Finally, the changes at work (like a new team member joining, the one we get along well with leaving, new projects, etc.) after joining after a long gap doesn't feel right sometimes.
However, the triggers of stress during this phase are more household and child-related. If this part is taken care of, it becomes easier to manage office work. Moreover, we have more control over how we manage our homes than work.
By building a support system around me, I was able to find some moments of peace in this super-chaotic phase.
I explored different measures parents take to navigate through the routine without feeling overwhelmed. I also tried to evaluate under what circumstances they deemed suitable. For instance, my husband and I have fixed working hours, so hiring an au pair did not make sense for us. Alternatively, parents who frequent business trips or stretch beyond normal office hours find 24-hour resident help useful.
Options we have
1. Living with parents
Nothing can beat the love and affection your parents have for you and your children. However, ever since we started living in nuclear families, the children's interactions with their grandparents and cousins have become limited to infrequent family gatherings.
I started living with my in-laws and mother when I was 7 months pregnant. They were hesitant to relocate in the beginning, as they felt they'd have to leave behind their culture, friends, and family, but eventually, they gave in. More than anything, they were super-excited for the small human who was on the way.
Many times, we don't get support from parents because of their jobs and priorities. My in-laws could briefly attend to their daughter during her delivery because of the same reason. Now that they're retired from their jobs, they have the time to spend with us and, moreover, move in with us.
However, even though I live with my parents, we've hired a full-time babysitter for our daughter, considering their age and health.
Pros: Your kids get unconditional love from their grandparents, and they support you through thick and thin.
Cons: You may not have the same level of privacy and flexibility.
2. Au pair
An au pair is someone who lives with you and helps with household work and/or baby care.
Generally, people from small towns look for such opportunities with urban families as they can get food and shelter (home) and also some pocket money to send back home. It's a win-win for both because working parents get full-time help from them.
When you don't have the luxury of living with your parents, an au pair from your natives could be a good alternative.
My neighbor has two boys under 10 years of age. Both parents have demanding careers and late-evening meetings are common for them. They live with an au pair from their hometown who speaks and understand their regional language. She even cooks as per their regional taste. They get the required support to look after their children beyond typical working hours. Thus, if you're often on business trips or have to be at work beyond typical office hours, an au pair could be your go-to choice.
Pros: 24x7 support for household chores and baby care.
Cons: An additional member in the family, co-living with whom might not be comfortable for some. You may also need an extra room in your home to accommodate them.
3. Babysitter
A full-time babysitter is a great option if you want one-on-one attention for your little one. The babysitter's day-to-day responsibilities involve taking care of the baby (bathing, helping them sleep), feeding them (also preparing meals for them), playing with them, and washing their clothes and toys.
They work according to our schedule. My office hours are from 9 AM to 6 PM, and therefore, I've employed our babysitter for the same duration. Sometimes, when we need her on weekends or want her to stay a bit longer after work, we compensate her for the additional time. We also tend to inform her beforehand about any such events.
A family in our locality has employed two babysitters for their son for 5 hours each. It gives them a buffer and more time to relax in the morning and evening.
Pros: Undivided attention to your baby. Also supports everyday activities like bathing, taking the baby for a nature walk, etc.
Cons: Sometimes babies get too attached to their babysitters, and not seeing them makes them uncomfortable. Getting a babysitter used to your life can also be challenging at times. It is an important aspect as your baby spends the majority of her awake time with the babysitter.
4. Daycare
For some families, having a full-time babysitter doesn't work out for various reasons. Sometimes, the babysitter leaves, while other times, they may not be accessible due to location or financial constraints.
Therefore, daycare is also a viable option for looking after your baby while you're working.
Usually, the caretaker-to-child ratio at daycare facilities is 3:1 or 2:1, and the staff is open to follow the schedule you want for your child.
My cousin started sending her 14-month-old son to daycare after his babysitter left for personal reasons. They started sending him for a few hours initially, and when the kid adjusted well to the environment, they increased his timings at daycare full-time.
Pros: Convenient, cost-effective, and kids get to interact with other children of similar age groups.
Cons: Shared attention of caregivers between other kids. Certain baby care routines like bathing, preparing meals, etc., are not covered.
5. Individual housemaid for different tasks
"Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."
Unlike the Au pair, many families prefer different options for different household tasks like cleaning utensils, cooking, babysitting, etc. It stems from the belief that if the person attending to all the chores is unwell or unavailable, you'll be swamped with all their work, which you're now not used to doing regularly.
My sister-in-law had three maids to support her: one to wash dishes and clean the house in the morning, one to be a full-time babysitter, and one to clean the utensils in the evening. Between her husband and her, they could easily manage the baby and household in case any of them could not make it.
Pros: There's always someone to fill in if one of the housemaids is on leave or unavailable.
Cons: More expensive than an Au pair. More effort is needed to recruit and manage them.
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Before becoming a parent myself, I did not know the concept of multiple housemaids or au pair. I felt I'd be able to manage. Little did I know baby care is a full-time job and equally exhausting as any other work. Eventually, I realized that if I wanted to do better in my career, I must delegate and seek help.
I hope this piece on building a support system around you helped you discover options and peek into the pros and cons of each. If you like it and think it could help a mom who is juggling between work and family, do share it with them. :)